


Measurements

by neverthelast



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Fuck/Marry/Kill, Getting Together, Harry Hart Lives, Just for Laughs, M/M, Misunderstandings, Short & Sweet, Voice Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 05:44:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverthelast/pseuds/neverthelast
Summary: “Fuck, marry, kill. A hypothetical game people play just for the fun of it. Harry, have you really never heard of it?” Roxy frowns.“Why, Roxanne, I’ve never expected to hear such words from you,” Remarks Harry. “As for the game, no we don’t have it here. We do, however, have something similar called Bed, wed, behead. A reminiscence of the Tudor period, I’m sure, but all in all a more decent name for the same game,”In which a tired yet intrigued Roxy insists on them playing 'Fuck, marry, kill' and is surprised to realize the meaning behind Eggsy's choices.Eggsy tries to deny it. Merlin isn't helping.





	Measurements

**Author's Note:**

> A quick warm up before the other ones.

“ _Fuck, marry, kill_. A hypothetical game people play just for the fun of it. Harry, have you really never heard of it?” Roxy frowns.

She, Harry and Eggsy had just gotten back from their joint mission in Prague. It was already quite late into the night but their little group of three decided to stop by the cafeteria after their quick debriefing with Merlin.

They’ve been chatting and eating their meals before gradually retiring for the night when the topic of a recent celebrity interview had come up. Eggsy had expressed how fun it was to see stoic, adult actors had to choose who to kill, fuck or marry from their male co-stars. At the mention of the game, Harry asked what did the reporters meant by asking such a vulgar question.

“Why, Roxanne, I’ve never expected to hear such words from you,” Remarks Harry, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin, before neatly placing his fork and knife on the now empty plate of Shepard’s pie. “Do you curse like this often? Should I be worried and tell your uncle of these ill manners that have surfaced?” Done with putting away his utensils, Harry looks up to see Roxy’s vexed expression. “I’m just joking, my dear,” He chuckles, putting her at ease. “As for the game, no we don’t have it here,” He tilts his head when Eggsy raises his eyebrows in surprise. “We do, however, have something similar called _Bed, wed, behead_. A reminiscence of the Tudor period, I’m sure, but all in all a more decent name for the same game,”

“ _Bed, wed, behead?_ ” Eggsy grins, picking up another chip from his plate of fish and chips. “Bit of a posh name for such a bawdy game, ain’t it ‘arry?”

“Does that mean you’ve played?” Roxy asks intrigued.

  “I’ve never bothered with such nonsense, there’s no actual point to it anyway,” He declares and moves his hand to presumably adjust his glasses. “Have you finished?”

“No, Harry! You’re not dodging the question that easily,” She giggles with a mischievous little glint in her eye. “Let us start with an easy one. Who out of Kingsman would you kill?”

Harry moves his confused eyes between Roxy and the table, or rather, something that wasn’t quite there. “…I suppose I’d kill Arthur,” He answers simply.

“Same. Hate that old bloke,” Nods Eggsy.

“Nobody fancies that old bore, though, I’d still be careful about admitting it. King might send you out on a mission to Antarctica for it,”

“You asked,” Harry counters.

“Yes, I did,” She nods and then smiles up at her uncle wickedly. “Now then, who would you fuck?” Harry frowns at her. “Sorry, who would you _sleep with_?”

"That's not it- I…" Harry trails away. Something was off. For some reason, he kept looking back and forth between the two younger through his frames.

“Too hard to choose?” Eggsy offers after quickly analysing Harry’s face. “Understandable. There are some fine birds an’ blokes working here,”

“What? No,” Harry looks at him weirdly. “That’s not the reason I…”

“Fine then,” Roxy interrupts. “Me, Eggsy and Merlin. Who would you marry, who would you fuck, who would you kill?”

Harry stares at her in silence, his eyebrows arched. “Can I answer that?” He asks. Was he asking himself?

“Of course, it’s just for fun,”

Another few seconds of silence. “Well, in that case – marry you, sleep with Eggsy, kill Merlin,” He lists them all with ease.

“Wot?” Eggsy chokes on the chip he was eating.

“Excuse me?” Roxy was taken aback. “You’d marry me? Why?”

“You are a wonderful agent and tend to keep your focus far better than others I know. Marriage with you would be more similar to a business partnership but as we get along better than most married couples these days, I think I wouldn’t mind marrying you. Eggsy’s a brilliant agent as well, but rather emotional at times. It's likely he would waste a good five minutes over a difficult decision before finally doing what is needed. Frankly, his unnecessary stalling and occasional childishness irk me to no end. A night with him could be enjoyable as long as it's not a lasting affair. In retrospect, you're a more suitable candidate for a long-term relationship,"

Roxy doesn’t answer, just stares. Harry didn’t need to supply such a logical explanation but of course, being himself, he did so anyways.

“An’ Merlin?” Grimaces Eggsy, taking a sip of water in hopes to soothe his irritated throat. He chose to ignore the fact Harry had just admitted he’d hypothetically sleep with Eggsy.

“Yeah,” Roxy finally finds her voice. “Why kill Merlin? I thought you’d kill me. He’s your closest friend, isn’t he?”

“My closest friend that knows too much,” Harry retorts coldly. “I’m sure he would understand and even do the same exact thing,” He adds and then nods to himself after a short pause. Odd.

“You two do bicker quite a lot,” Many knew they were close, but from an outsider's point of view, their relationship might seem a bit too hostile for a classic, traditional friendship. It was more of a rivalry that over time morphed into an unbreakable friendship, with additional bickering now and then. “But I have to say my answer is the same, just switch out you with myself,” She admits weakly.

“ _Wot_?” Eggsy looks at her in the same exact way he did with Harry. Thank God he wasn’t chewing on anything this time.

“Ah, great minds think alike,” Harry’s lips stretch in a lazy smile.

“I suppose so,” She agrees and turns to the younger male. “Eggsy, what about you?”

“Uh…” He shifts his eyes awkwardly.

“Go on then, we did, so should you,” Says Harry.

Eggsy glances between them and complies, his brow furrowed in stubbornness.“…Sleep with Rox, marry Merlin, kill ‘arry,”

“I’m sorry, _what_?”

“You’d pick me to kill? _Me_?” Harry demands, scandalised. “I’m your mentor!”

“ ‘arry, calm down. It’s just a silly game,” He lifts his hands in defence.

“I took you under my wing! Why would you want to kill _me_?”

“Bit of a pain havin’ two Galahads around,” He gives Harry a cheeky smile. “Reckon it was time to fill your spot, guv,”

“Why would you want to marry Merlin?” Asks Roxy. “Sure, he looks fit and attractive but isn’t he a bit..?” She twirls her hands while searching for the right words.

“Controlling? A bit of a spoilsport?” Harry supplies.

“Yes,” She agrees. “Too serious. I wouldn’t want him as a husband. Too demanding for perfection,”

 “Hey, all of this is just for laughs!” Eggsy grumbles at his fellow knights. In the end, he leans back into the antique chair he was sitting in and settles on watching his hands. “I don’t know…I don’t care he’s a perfectionist an’ I think I can rely on him,”

“Merlin is our quartermaster,” Harry frowns at Eggsy like the younger wasn’t making any sense.

“Yeah, but, Merlin’s like that away from his desk too. Understandin’, sometimes kind if you cock things up, an’ he’s hard on you just because he wants what’s best,”

“Yes, all the qualities of a handler,” Harry nods, perplexed.

Roxy, on the other hand, seemed to have come to a sudden realization. “Might his qualities be what you’re attracted to?”

“I…wot?” Eggsy looks up at her in panic. Roxy’s mouth stretches into a wicked smile once she notices the tint of pink appearing on Eggsy’s cheeks. “I-you gave me a choice, a silly one at that, so what’s the difference if I pick Merlin?”

Roxy puts her cheek on her palm and stares at Eggsy in amusement. “I’m your best mate. You could’ve chosen me,” She states teasingly.

Harry seems to realize the implication in her voice. He turns to him in surprise. “I’m your mentor. You know well that I would support you through the rest of our lives but you didn’t pick _me_ ,”

“It’s just a stupid game!” Eggsy complains, his voice too loud in the empty Kingsman cafeteria. Now he was clearly blushing.

“Yet you pick the ever so demanding quartermaster to marry!” Roxy says with delight. Damn her, she was enjoying this too much.

“It was just a game…” Eggsy begs but it was already too late. He’d unknowingly fell for her trap and now all that was left was to suffer. Wishing the floor would open and swallow him whole, he tries to hide his flushed face from them behind his hands.

“So this is how it is then,” Harry lets out a heavy sigh. “My apprentice, fancying my closest friend,”

“I don’t fancy him-” Eggsy hurries to deny but starts deflating soon after. “Merlin is just…a good mate to have around…”

“Ah, forgive my mistake. My apprentice _in love_ with my closest friend,”

“ _Love_?” That change was all it took to turn Eggsy into a blushing, stuttering mess.

“Oh, Eggsy, it’s quite alright,” Roxy smiles reassuringly. She places a hand on the distressed boy’s back and begins to move it in slow, soothing circles. “I’m a little surprised to know you’ve taken a liking to our handler but I can’t say I’m against it. Don’t worry, we’ll keep it a secret, right, Harry?”

“A bit late for that, I’m afraid,”

Roxy frowns in confusion at the same time Eggsy’s fearful eyes find Harry’s. He simpers, looking awfully smug. As an explanation, Harry lifts up his right hand and presses a button hidden in the glasses worn by every agent, turning on the loudspeaker. Eggsy turns pale.

“Merlin! You are now on loudspeaker. Say, we have finished our late dinner, would you like us to bring over a cuppa or, rather, something to eat? I imagine the report has run longer than expected, seeing that you have not joined us yet. Am I correct?”

Eggsy wishes Roxy or Harry had picked to kill him, so he could now request to be shot on the spot to avoid his embarrassment. He tries to hide behind his hands once again but deep down knew this only confirmed his feelings for Merlin.

It wasn’t a crush, nor was it just a passing fancy. Eggsy had _discreetly_ stared at the way jumpers dragged over Merlin’s chest far too much to deny his attraction for the Scotsman. And the annoyed smiles Merlin had given Eggsy when he’d cocked something up, taking the riskier route to complete a dangerous mission? They made Eggsy’s heart melt.

He was sure no one had noticed how Eggsy’s eyes admired the line of Merlin’s jaw during their debriefings, not even Merlin himself. While Merlin talked, Eggsy made sure to memorize the thickly accented voice, the curve of his nose and the way those sharp, hazel eyes caught the light from the harsh ceiling lamps.

Perhaps he’d gotten too careless and that was how Roxy managed to corner him so easily. Eggsy preferred that explanation over the one where he was too easy to read, his feelings clearly displayed on his face. Eggsy wonders if he'd ever live that down if that was the case.

And to think that Merlin had heard their entire conversation…Eggsy was holding back from standing up, picking out a random vehicle and running from Kingsman for the rest of his life. Overly dramatic, yes, but Eggsy knew this will end in two possible ways – a) Merlin will find his feeling very amusing and join Harry in his quest to turn this matter into a teasing fest, lasting as long as they’re among the living, or b) – Eggsy had just ruined their professional friendship and doomed them both for an eternity of awkward conversations.

Eggsy was a Kinsgman agent, fighting villains with intentions of controlling Earth almost weekly. He had to fight dangerously armed men twice, sometimes thrice his size. His days were already hectic, so why must his love life also be a burden?

“Well, Merlin?” Harry asks. “Would you like a cuppa?”

“…Some caffeine would be much appreciated…” Merlin’s far voice answers awkwardly.

 Eggsy groans into his hands.

Outcome _b)_ it was.

Harry smiles even though Merlin couldn’t see it. “Very well, I’ll leave you to your report,” He says respectfully and taps his glasses once to turn off the feed and loudspeaker.

“How…” Roxy starts weakly. Her face was unreadable. “How long has he been listening? And why would you turn on the feed in the first place?”

“I’ve put him on to ask if he had finished with the report when you had made a detour in our conversation before I could ask Merlin if he wanted something from the cafeteria,”

“Oh, shit…” Roxy curses with wide eyes. Eggsy puts his head on the table beside her arms, earning a few remorseful pats on his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,”

“Mhm,” Comes a muffled reply. Eggsy wasn’t mad at her, he knew it was an accident. Frankly, the boy was preoccupied with plans and schemes of alternative routes to help himself avoid Merlin in the near future.

“Stop with the melodramatics, Eggsy. You’ve gotten through your training, you can most certainly get through this too,” Harry moves to stand and picks up his empty dishes in one smooth motion. “You can start by brewing up some coffee and bringing a cup down to Merlin’s desk,”

Eggsy and Roxy look up at him in surprise. Soon, Roxy picks up on Harry’s plan and stands up too, joining the older Galahad with her own empty plate. Eggsy doesn’t catch on right away but manages to realize he’s the only one with a bit of food left to finish.

“I-”

“Dark roast, one teaspoon of sugar and a bit of milk,” Harry lists off Merlin’s coffee preferences like they were a well-kept secret. “And do hurry up, the poor man might be dozing off over his keyboard as we speak,” With that, Harry turns on his heel and walks to the kitchen to drop off his dishes.

Roxy follows suit. She glances back at her best friend and mouths ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’. Her expression, however, was a mixture of guilt and glee.

Seeing them leave, Eggsy was rendered speechless. The reality of what he’ll have to do comes crashing down. With a face of misery, he finishes his fish and chips in silence, then brings his dishes to the kitchen and asks the sleepy staff to use their kettle.

Eggsy tries to make his slightly trembling hands still enough to pour hot water over the grinds.

\---

The corridors are empty by the time Eggsy turns a corner to reach the command centre where Merlin was stationed. The steam from the coffee was hitting Eggsy’s face as he hurried down each long corridor, the rich aroma doing no good to calm his nerves.

An idea to find another person to switch places with him makes an appearance but he waves it away in the end. The words ‘ _you’re acting like a child_ ’ rang in his head in an awfully Harry-like voice. Eggsy faced men armed with machine guns, surely he could withstand a few awkward minutes with the older man he was attracted to.

His heartbeat picks up when he sees Merlin’s office door in front of him. With an intake of breath, he presses his hand to the scanner and steps in when the automatic door slides back.

And there sat Merlin at the very centre of his domain, like a king on his throne. The only sounds in his quiet office were the dull hum of the lamps from above and the irregular tempo of Merlin’s typing.

Footage of a latter part from their mission in Prague was displayed on the widescreen in front of Merlin. It was from Roxy’s glasses and showed her hands mid-swing, in the far left Eggsy was taking cover behind the Kingsman issued umbrella and offering cover to Harry, who was shooting at the enemy. The recording was paused, presumably so that Merlin could add notes to the report without missing out on other details of their mission.

At first, Eggsy thinks Merlin hasn’t heard him enter, too busy with finishing typing the report. Then he realizes Merlin’s fingers had slowed down just a bit, his broad shoulders visibly tense.

He _knew_ Eggsy was here.

Great, it _did wonders_ to Eggsy’s self-esteem. He summons all of the courage he had left in him and takes a step forward. There was no use in trying to stall and besides, the coffee was losing its steam.

“Merlin,” Eggsy starts with what he hopes sounded like a carefree tone. Maybe he can still spin this whole situation in the other direction and play it off as a joke.

“Eggsy,” Merlin glances back, acknowledging him and the steaming cup the younger held. “And this must be my reward,”

“Yeah, guv. Sorry it took so long,” Eggsy apologizes meekly and holds out the cup to Merlin when the other makes a move to take it. Merlin inhales, enjoying the aroma and takes a tentative sip, careful not to burn his tongue. Eggsy lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding when Merlin’s face brightens with a pleased smile. Good, at least the coffee appeared to be made to his liking.

“Thank ye for bringing it. I would have joined meself but…” He looks back at his computer. “It ran later than expected,”

“…No prob’,” Eggsy manages a tight-lipped smile. The growing stiffness of their exchange was entirely Eggsy’s fault (or at least that’s what he thought). “Maybe you can join next time,”

“Maybe,” Merlin agrees with a faint nod followed by another, this time larger sip. Something in those hazel eyes held promise of a question Eggsy fretted to hear.

Eggsy chooses to try and slip away before Merlin had the chance to address the core of Eggsy’s embarrassment. “I’ll leave you to it then,” He gives a curt goodbye and turns for the door.

However, before Eggsy could take three steps towards his desired escape, a firm hand takes hold of his wrist, rendering him immobile. “By the by, Eggsy,” Merlin starts in that low, accent-laced voice that Eggsy had grown to love over many missions of it giving out orders right into his ear. “What are ye measurements?”

“My…measurements?” Eggsy’s eyes run back and forth between Merlin’s grip on his wrist and those clever eyes.

“Aye,” Says Merlin. “Any future husband should know what size ring to purchase for his _beloved_ ,” He emphasizes the last word with the gentle press of lips to Eggsy’s ring finger, holding eye contact for the entirety of the gesture.

Eggsy stared as if Merlin had just grown another bald head.

A wave of heat comes creeping in soon after those words leave Merlin’s mouth. Suddenly Eggsy feels his neck was too flushed and damp against his shirt collar. His skin still tingled with the warm touch of Merlin’s mouth.

The calm and stoic Merlin never acted this way. Was the quartermaster picking option _a)_ and choosing to have a laugh at Eggsy’s expense?

“I-you-wot?”

“Please, Eggsy, be more coherent,” Merlin chuckles gazing up at him, baffling Eggsy even further.

“We were just- We did it for laughs-” Eggsy tries to justify himself.

“I know but in case ye were wondering,” He leans into Eggsy’s personal space. “I choose ye as my husband too,”

Maybe it’s Merlin’s whispered confession or maybe it’s the softening grip on his wrist but something bubbling in Eggsy’s chest let him humour the thought Merlin actually _flirting_ with him. Eggsy plays along, indulging himself in the fantasy even if just for a few minutes.

“…An’ Roxy? 'arry?”

Merlin’s taken by surprise by this unexpected turn. “Shag and kill, respectfully,” He answers in the end.

Despite his embarrassment he smiles, cheeky. “Pity,” He sighs, feigning sadness. “No one wants an unfaithful husband but many love the thrill of a married lover. Shame you've picked Roxy to shag. Could've had fun…”

Merlin picks up where their little skit had headed to. He holds his gaze and stands up to tower over Eggsy. “I suppose we can shift the choices, make ye my second husband then,”

Eggsy arches a brow. “What happened to the first one?”

“Nothing ye can prove,” He smiles broadly, looking rather pleased with himself.

For a long moment, they laugh, enjoying the warm and easy atmosphere they've created. When their laughter fades away, they're left to stare. Just stare.

None of them moves or says anything. And none of them feels like there’s a need to.

Merlin stares at Eggsy’s eyes, the rise and fall of his chest, his fingers, then back up yet a little lower at Eggsy’s-

Merlin’s computer pings with something similar to a message. Merlin tuts and looks back. Eggsy’s eyes follow but have to steal a glance over Merlin’s shoulder.

“I need to finish the report…” Says Merlin, almost glaring at the work he’d abandoned.

As if doused with cold water Eggsy slips his wrist free from Merlin’s hold and instantly takes a step backwards. “So-I’ll leave you to it, night’,”

“Good night,” Merlin appeared to be against them ending things this way but knew it was for the best. After a second, his face softens with another smile. “And thank ye for the coffee, _husband_ ,” Merlin adds with in sly tone. Well, sir, two can play at that game.

“I’m glad you like it, _love_ ,” Eggsy beams back at him with red cheeks and, with a quick goodbye, leaves Merlin to finish his work and the perfect brew Eggsy had made for him.

 

Eggsy thinks all of that was just a joke when he wakes up the next morning and was greeted by Merlin’s warm smile before their meeting with Chester King later that afternoon.

He still thinks so when he finally finds the courage (after a brief talk with Harry and Roxy) to ask Merlin out for a pint, to which Merlin agreed by adding a candle-lit dinner at a restaurant Eggsy never heard of.

Eggsy still thought of that moment as a joke when, months later, he and Merlin were going on their 17th date and didn’t even object when Roxy had declared that the two were now ‘going steady’.

Eggsy thought of that moment as a cruel, taunting joke when he got shot in the stomach out on a mission and was left to helplessly wait for Harry. Eggsy laid there, forced to listen to Merlin's soothing words and the occasional, heart-wrenching sob right in his ear.

He still thinks Merlin was joking when after more than a year of being together the older man ends their debriefing by casually bending on one knee and slipping an engraved ring on Eggsy’s finger.

Now he knew, Merlin wasn’t joking.

But that begged the question. If Eggsy never answered Merlin’s question, then how on earth had Merlin known his measurements?

  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that I sound over the top by using ‘measurements’ instead of ‘finger/ring size’ but I decided it’ll have to do. Thank you all for reading. Comments, kudos and constructive criticism are very much appreciated!


End file.
